


When I'm Myself

by RedXD



Category: Animators - Fandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bad Decisions, Bad Friends, Bullying, Dreams, Fluff, Forests, High School, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Jokes, Misunderstandings, Near Death Experiences, Parties, Peer Pressure, Racist Language, Rumors, Slow Burn, Smoking, Stealing, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Underage Smoking, puns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-02-10 18:48:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18666244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedXD/pseuds/RedXD
Summary: When growing up, he always got hurt for being himself. So he changed, he faked and built up this unreal persona so he’d feel like he belonged somewhere, yet no matter what he did he never felt like he belonged. Then they came, they gave him a 'group,' a place to belong. All he had to do was become someone like them. Be like them. Live like them.He just wants to feel like he belongs.A question still remains though, why is it that 'he' only comes around.. when he's himself?





	1. When I Met a Stranger

**Author's Note:**

> pls dont judge me

Adam groans. His nerves were off the edge thanks to Mark and Tyler getting him to steal a few sodas for them.

_ Whatever, as long as they hang out with me. _

His fingers tap against his knee. A small part of him wants to sing the recent rap song he’s been into. Sad Song by Scotty Sire. It’s hilarious, but has meaning which makes it a million times better.

Even though he wants to, he keeps his mouth shut. 

_ No one will like me if I start rapping out of nowhere. _

A small ounce of doubt drips down his face, invisible from people’s view. He flicks it off, doubting his life is stupid. He’s lucky to be where he is. Loads of people have it worse.

Satch comes out of the gas station, finally, a pack of cigarettes in his hand.

_ Oh fuck no. Ughhh just go along with what he wants. _

The other smirks. “S’ gonna pussy out and say no?”

Adam swallows his own rules and morals. He makes his sentence perfect in his head and says with a fake confidence, “S’ course not, hand one over here.” 

“Good.” Satch passes a cigarette before lighting his own. 

_ Uhh.. he lit it and that’s it. Seems pretty simple? _

He takes the cigarette given to him before lighting it and copying the movements of the other.

_ Oh shit I already hate this.  _

The smell of smoke burns his nose and makes him almost gag. He hates the smoke cluttering him and decides to never do this again.

About 3 minutes pass before Satch speaks up. 

“Yo, look at this bitch.” He gestures to a boy their age walking into the gas station. The stranger has dirty blonde hair with peach skin. He’s tall and skinny, overall the average candidate for one of Satch’s half sided fights.

_ Ugh, better to get it over with.  _

Every moral in Adam’s gut tells him not to do this. Not to hurt another innocent person.

_ But I want to belong. _

So his lips form words, his morals long gone. Every ounce of him is fake, from his personality to his opinions.

_ I’m not Adam. Not really. _

“We going to beat ‘em up?” He has to be careful so his voice doesn’t crack, but he manages.

Satch smirks. “Smart decision.”

When the boy exits the gas station, the pair moves and grabs him.

They make their way safely around to the back before kicking and hitting the stranger.

The entire time Satch is spitting out insults and threats. Adam just hurts him alongside physically.

_ Physical hurt is bad enough.. I’m not giving emotional.. _

The other barks at him. “Ye’ fucker, thought you were gonna’ help meh’ get em’ out of our territory? Hah?” 

_ I’m sorry stranger. _

“S’ waiting for ye’ to finish you shoutin.’” Adam glares at the boy coughing, holding his stomach.

“Better think twice before messin’ in our territory ye’ white fucker.” He spits out. A part of him breaks at the look on the strangers face.

A look of confusion and anger, but if you look close enough, there’s some hurt in there. 

_ I’m sorry.. _

With one final kick, Satch stops and starts walking off. “C’mon bird shit, ‘s goin’.”

The insult stabs him right in the gut. 

_ Bird shit. _

It’s the nickname they’ve given him because of his skin.

Since he was born not fully one color. He was born a border between both worlds. And apparently, that isn’t normal. It’s weird and that’s it.

Adam glances back at the stranger they’d hurt. The boy is typing away at his phone, probably getting help since they’d hurt him badly. Blue eyes meet his, and for a moment he sees anger. 

And then he gets called by his ‘master’ again. “Bird shit!” 

He flinches at the nickname, hands balled into fists. Groaning, the dark-haired boy sighs and presses his lips together tightly. 

_ This is the friendship you get, get over it. _

He glances once more for a second before walking away. His mind ignores the other’s eyes softening with understanding. 

_ I don’t deserve it. _

 

—

 

The coach calls for a break. The two wrestling, Will and Peter, both stand up and walk off the mat. As the couch leaves the room for a moment to talk to the track coaches.

Will whispers something to Zack and both start chuckling lowly.

The two have a habit to spread rumors like wildfire. That stereotype that girls are the gossiping ones? No. It’s legit any asshole in existence.

Zack smirks and whispers something else. Will cackles maniacally.  

_ What are they laughing about now? _

His ear filters one whisper throughout all the others. Slowly he begins to hear each separate one.

“I bet even his own twin sister wouldn’t fuck him.”

_ Okay so more of a ‘who are they talking about?’ _

A few more get caught.

“Wait seriously?! He’s such a nerd, bet that coward can’t even do anything else.” 

_ Who are they talking about? I don’t know anyone that fits the description (no surprise there).. _

Then an unfamiliar name gets whispered.

“His name is James right? How lame.”

_ James huh? Poor guy probably doesn’t even realize what’s being said behind is back. _

His head struggles to remember any James he knows, but he comes out with blanks. 

_ Maybe if I ask they won’t laugh?  _

“Who’s James?”

The team turns to stare at him and he instantly realizes his mistake.

It’s confirmed when each one of them bursts out into laughter. They laugh, a few waving their arms at him. Each glaring hole in his skin, a different pair of eyes ridiculing him.

_ just.. stop. _

He decides to play it off as a joke. “No really how does anyone remember someone like him, right? Such a waste of time.” His gut implodes at the amount of guilt surging through his stomach at saying such a thing.

The group stops laughing and nod in approval, while a few even grin at him.

“Good diss, I thought you were an idiot for a moment there, mate.” Peter looks at him lowly.

_ Well no shit sherlock, that’s because I am an idiot. _

"Oh really? Wow, your knowledge is that minimal? Obviously I fucking know the shit that's going down." His tone becomes defensive. If you look close enough though, a wall covers the layers of fake.

Then the coach returns and yells for them to continue practice.

_ At least they stopped laughing.. _

 

—

 

Adam yawns. 

_ Finally finished this animation. _

It’s been a while since he’s drawn, motivation running thin. Most hobbies of his in fact, have been dropped. A part of him wants to start up animating more again, to do music, and Youtube. 

_ I suppose they really are right. I won’t get anywhere with this lack of motivation. _

His eyes focus in on each drawing. The lineart, the small ounce of color. 

_ Ugh. My art is so bad. I’ve gotta improve that shit. _

With a sigh, he glances at the time. His phone reads back with  _ 3:09 AM. _

_ Oh crap. _

Throwing off his favorite hoodie, he falls onto his bed. His brain seems to immediately become immune to shutting down. So he stares at the ceiling.

Thoughts rush in his mind. He feels the same as every regular day. 

The feeling of being a bad person. Of it being too late to fix himself. It’s something he ignores because, he couldn’t possibly be a bad person when he has so many friends right? 

Except deep down he’s already accepted it.

_ I’m not a good person.  _

All he really is, is a needy little baby. Someone selfish and who only cares about himself being happy. But as long as he belongs somewhere right? 

_ This is where I’m supposed to be. With them. Of course.. right? _

It feels like whenever he’s most tired is when he thinks about his shitty ass life the most. Probably because he’s so loopy out of exhaustion that his mind doesn’t think about it when he wakes up.

Adam turns to his side, staring at his wall now. The blank wall.

He used to have all sorts of posters, but a lot of them were torn down after different bursts of anger and insecurity. Now all that’s left is his My Hero Academia poster.

A sigh rattles his throat, climbing the rickety steps to his mouth.

_ Time to pass out. Hopefully. _

 

_ — _

 

“ADAM! Wake up, you have to get going to school!” 

Said boy’s eyes flicker open, him jumping out of bed. His feet bounce along, him rushing to get ready.

He throws on a plain black t-shirt and old brown hoodie. Along with faded blue jeans and black vans. It’s the look he’s decided to stay with because it fits both the wrestling team and his neighborhood buddies.

Speeding into the bathroom, he puts on his contacts and brushes his hair.

His hands fidget and twitch, his blood pumping to get ready. Adam feels a headache edge into his head. He passes his brother in the kitchen, the boy sitting at the table calmly. It’s lucky his school starts later.

He grabs a frozen waffle and moves for the door.

His mother calls behind him. “Oh and Adam?”

“Yeah?”

“If I hear you skipped class one more time, you’re grounded.” Her voice is low and disgruntled. Age and work hits her strongly.

_ Well then.. I’m screwed. _

He simply nods and walks off for school.

Except when he checks the time outside, he realizes it’s way earlier than he thought.

_ Dammit she lied. _

He isn’t actually very angry though. It means he won’t run into Satch or anyone in his neighborhood as they all get to school late. 

His eyes wander around, the street was empty. That didn’t really surprise him however, as most people in the neighborhood left home later.

A song runs on repeat in his head, Ed Sheeran’s ‘Thinking Out Loud.’

Feeling a drop of confidence, he decides to sing it quietly to himself. Usually for him, to get a song out of his head he just needs to sing it to himself. Or get a new song stuck in his head. Though he left his earbuds inside.

“When your legs don’t work like they used to before,”

A part of him feels a sense of joy from it. The soundless air, growing filled with his faint singing.

One thing he has never been proud of is his singing skills, but no one’s there for it to annoy. It’s been a bad week and he wants to have this.

_ Sometimes you need something to disrupt life autopilot. _

“Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks,”

When it reaches the bridge, he doesn’t realize his voice grows.

“People fall in love in mysterious ways,”

His feet tap along in beat with the song running through his mind and mouth.

“I just wanna tell you I am,”

The chorus gets his voice from quiet to loud. His heart thumps in harmony.

“Kiss me under the ligh-“

He hears a door open. His entire body freezes, words slipping off his tongue in silence. 

Adam stops walking, eyes moving to a house a few feet away, a older aged woman walking out towards her car. She doesn’t give him any attention and drives off a few minutes later. 

_ What was I thinking. I can’t believe I started singing. _

Every step is in silence, his fingers tapping quietly against his hip. Boredom attempts to edge into his head.

A scene builds in his mind. An image of a butterfly drinking a lot of redbull before taking flight. It zooms around crazily.

The thought makes him have to bite back a chuckle.

His mind reaches for each possible explanation as to why they fly so weird. Each new idea makes it harder for him to focus on where he’s going.

Instead, he bites back each laugh and grin at the stupidity of his ideas.

Steps become invisible to his busy mind. Noise combines into fuzzy nothingness. Then a voice breaks through, he hears a quirky, male voice.

“WATCH OUT!”

Everything stops. Time flashes frozen. Memories, regrets, unmade apologies attempt to blind his eyes. His heart thumps loudly, the only sound in the paused silence. His eyes widen, fear crawling up his spine. Feverish spiders crawl in his stomach, making webs around his lungs. This causes his breathing to go ragid. 

_ Thump thump. _

Lungs contract, everything feeling shaky. Probably because he is physically shaking like electricity.

As if in slow motion, he gets pulled back right as a car drives by.

Things unpause. He gets turned around to see a familiar boy.

“Are you okay?!”

_ It’s him. _

In front of Adam, stands the stranger from the gas station two days ago he was at with Satch.

“I- uh..” His voice shakes.

_ Confidence. Fake it if you have to. Just don’t be yourself, be the fake you.. the better you.. the real you. _

_ Defend. Anger. Harm. _

He shoves the stranger away. “I’m fine asshole.” 

The other glares, eyes growing furious. “I just saved your life!” His voice grows loud, attracting strange looks.

Adam clears his throat, glaring at the boy. “You didn’t do shit. Now I have to get going, fuck off Shithead.” He pushes past the other, his eyes focusing in on the school not too far away.

A mumble catches his ear as he leaves. “Asshole.”

_ I suppose that’s what I’m meant to be. _

A flicker of pain hits his recovering heart. He isn’t shaking anymore, but mentally he’s still a bit shaken. The pain hits and makes his entire vision swirl.

_ I think I’m going to puke.  _

His steps are unbalanced, him swaying slightly. 

_ I’m an asshole aren’t I? _

_ A sick, shaken asshole. _

An invisible arrow stabs his heart. Unseen blood bubbles from the nonexistent wound.

_ That car should’ve hit me. _


	2. When I Didn't Know You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: possible triggering themes

His frown is tight and in place as he enters the building.

_Ungrateful dick._

A part of him knows that, yes he was a jerk, but his life just flashed before his eyes. He was obviously shaken up.

_Even still, I at least deserved a thank you._

“James?”

_Huh?_

His eyes flicker to the guy near him. Apparently he didn’t see the green shirt coming.

“Hey!” He walks down the hallway, Tim talking about how he finally met Ari, and now he wants a bird.

James stops at his locker, the other does as well.

“You never pass up an opportunity to make a joke, and you had minimal puns you could’ve made. What’s going on?”

The blonde-haired boy shrugs. “Just an annoying morning, y’know?”

“Yeah.”

And with that, James makes his way to his first class.

He groans as he arrives.

_English. The one thing I can’t do._

When he enters, he spots Dan chatting with some random girl.

“Hey Dan.” He plops into his seat.

The green-haired male grins. “Hey dude! Any new comics?”

Before he can respond, the bell rings and the teacher ushers the class into silence.

“Hello class, today we’ll be starting our essays.”

—

Class bores on.

A small comic idea pops into his head. It’s a really stupid joke, but sometimes that makes it funnier.

James doodles the comic on a sticky note and passes it Dan.

Said boy looks it over and grins. He gives a sneaky thumbs up before moving to pass it back, however a voice booms over them.

“Passing notes in my class gentlemen?” A booming, crickety voice calls.

His eyes move up to see Mr. Poe looking at them.

The two boys exchange nervous glances.

_Crap._

A joke reply for the situation pops in his head, but he chooses not to respond with it because it will only worsen the situation.

James nods slowly. “Sorry sir, it won’t happen again.”

Mr. Poe narrows his eyes. “Who is responsible for starting the exchange of notes in my class?”

Before he’s able to loop in Dan with him, Dan responds, “James sir.”

_DUDE!_

The blonde-haired male gawks at the other, shocked from the betrayal.

“Alright, Mr. Rallison. Please go down to the office. Think twice next time about interrupting my class.”

_Oh great._

He stands up and walks towards the door, feet heavy.

_I can’t believe I got in trouble for showing my friend a COMIC!?_

The hallway is tense with silence as he makes his way to the office. He doubts he’ll get in any trouble since Mr Poe just hates interruptions.

_Even though he interrupts his own lessons all the time._

The only sound in the hall is the pitter patter of his feet and the pattern of his breathing. He reaches a turn.

_The office is on the left.._

Holding up his hands, he finds which one is left and heads down that direction.

When he gets there, he opens the door and walks to the front desk.

Mrs. Heckleworth glances up at him and smiles. “Hello James! How may I help you?”

He shrugs. “Mr. Poe told me to come down here because I passed my friend a comic in class.”

She sighs and brings her hand to her temple. “I see. Yet another teacher wasting my energy.”

Her eyes move to look up at him, smile tight. “I will handle this situation, for now please sit over there.” She signals to the chairs near the door.

_This is going to take forever._

James turns around and walks over to the seats, spotting a familiar face already sitting in one of those seats.

A groan riddles his throat at this.

“I’m not to thrilled to see you either.” The other replies, voice smooth.

Silence. He doesn’t reply.

So what if he’s triggered? Angry? Whatever. He has a right to be frustrated that this asshole has yet to thank him for  _saving his life._

“Not going to talk to me huh?” The boy besides him sighs and whispers quietly.

“I know I was a jerk. Sorry.”

That catches his attention so he glances at the other.

The stranger looks to the side, scratching his neck awkwardly. “And thanks. Y’know for helping me..  _not_  get run over.”

Silence echoes over them again, awkward and tense.

With a sigh, James shrugs. “No problem.”

More awkward silence stretches between them. The two glance at each other, meet eyes and look away.

A whisper. “Don’t tell anyone about us meeting.” The other’s voice is deep and smooth still, almost giving James the familiar feeling of Markiplier.

_Why? He keeps contradicting his own reactions. What is with this guy?_

“Why?”

“No reason, just do it.” The stranger bites his lip, eyes squinting awkwardly.

_Is he holding in a laugh?_

“Mr. Ortiz?” The office secretary calls.

The boy beside him stands up. He shoves his hands in his pockets and sighs. James notices his eyes lack any brightness, dull and numb.

“That’s me?”

The woman nods stoically and walks towards the back of the office. “Follow me.”

And that he does.

Three things run through his head as he watches the stranger walk away.

_Why is he in the office?.._

_Woah he’s so short._

_What just happened?_

Silence echoes through his day, a crack in his mind.

—

He sits at the bench outside. The day has been exceedingly tiring, from a science test, to a partner quiz in algebra 2.

Faith plops in the seat beside him. “Hey, how was your day?”

With a shrug, he glances at her and then back at the parking lot. Their mom has yet to arrive. “Okay I guess. Where’s Jordan?”

At the mention of their older sibling, the blonde-haired girl motions to the school building. “He’s going to the movies with his friend today.”

_Hm. Guess it’s just me and Faith until mom gets here._

Said girl pulls out her phone, showing pictures of her friend’s dog.

_Huh.. speaking of ‘other people..’_

_I wonder if she knows this ‘Mr. Ortiz’ guy?_

The thought taps against his head and he clears his throat to get his sister’s attention.

“Hmm?”

He sighs, eyes moving to lock with his sisters. “Do you know of anyone at this school with the last name Ortiz?”

A look of recognition dawls on her face. Her lips quirk down, a warry frown in place. “Yes, why?”

“Just curious. How do you know of him?” He decides to not mention his run ins so far with the boy, including the detail about him being one of the guys that beat him up a few days ago.

_I could’ve fought back if they hadn’t surprised me._

“You’re serious right? He’s one of those wrestling assholes.” She narrows her eyes.

_But.. he seemed so much different from those guys.. in that small moment. In that small apology…_

_Which side is the real him?_

“Thanks I guess.” He sighs.

—

The house looms over him. He swallows slowly. His heart thumps in nervousness. Last time he was here, it ended with him puking everything he had eaten that day. Followed by him starving himself for two days. The time before that, it was his first panic attack.

It’s an understatement to say he’s had bad memories here.

_Satch’s house._

His feet move in slow motion, each step towards the front door slick with honey.

His hand shakes slightly as he opens the unlocked front door, glancing in a small peak.

A swift smell of smoke punches itself up his nose holes. A wretched scent of skunk also filters the air. He sighs and pushes through, entering the house. He lets go of the handle, the door falling back. It closes. Now he’s locked in.

“ _BiRd shiT s’ tHat yOu?”_ The signature voice of Mark rings through the house. He sounds loopy and drunk.

Adam slowly taps his feet into the living room, seeing the lights dim. Satch, Mark, Tyler, and Wadell passing back and forth a hit.

_Ah. I see this is a marijuana ‘party.’ Yay.._

He sits down on one of the chairs, every inch of him growing uncomfortable. He gags at the smell, smoke filling the room.

His hands curl into the sleeves of his hoodie. He holds his breath until he physically can’t, trying to not breath in too much smoke.

Tyler kicks his shin. “Yo, wan’s a hit?” The other holds up the smoking roll.

_No way. Nope nope nope. This is illegal, nope. Nope nope. I actually want to make something of myself-_

“No thanks.” He fake coughs in his arm. “I smoked before this, not ready for that yet.”

_Liar._

Satch narrows his eyes, Tyler shaking his head in disappointment. The other two ‘tch.’

_Crap.. no no. This is going to end badly._

“C’mon, don’t be ‘s pussy.” Satch growls.

Adam’s stomach swirls, sick from the smoke. From everything really..

_I shouldn’t do this.. I can’t.. it’s illegal. I could get addicted.. oh god what if I become a druggy? I’ll get nowhere in life if I become a druggy._

Mark smirks. “C’mon bird shit, s’ not like it’ll hurt ya pussy ass.” He grabs the hit and walks over to the dark-haired boy.

He shoves it in Adam’s face.

“Do it.”

“I don’t-“

This time it’s Satch and Wadell who say it. “Do it ya ‘s little shit.”

So he does. He breaks his morals once again. Goes against his opinions, his rules, his  _wants._

_As long as I fit in._

The thing he decides to ignore:

_I never will._

His mind feels heavy, adrenaline pumping in his system. It’s an odd feeling he gets. Somewhat of a rush, but at the same time a need to puke until it pours from his stomach.

Everything in his mind is at conflict. On one hand, the drug makes him want more. More and more. However, it’s his brain that tells him to leave. To get out. To never do this again.

His muscles strain to sit and strain to stand. He pushes himself to his feet.

“S’ you going bird shit?” Tyler asks.

“Forgot my cigarettes outside.” His excuse should help them forget he was even there soon enough. They seem to forget him easily anyways.

His feet feel heavy and light at the same time. As if each step is quick paced, but the recharge time to take a new step is bone chillingly slow. He makes his way down the hall, his head dizzy.

Everything feels strange. His heart thumps with unease, while his brain grows confused at the feeling of pure, utter  _joy._

Adam doesn’t know why he’s so happy. He just is. Every ounce of his mind feels like a joyful baby bouncing boy. It’s as if it’s Christmas! Joy, happiness, a feeling of ecstasy.

Yet his lungs ache with dry misery. He feels a need for water rise to levels of unknown wanting.

Oddly, he wobbles the sidewalk. His mind goes back and forth from feeling happy as can be to feeling uneasy and tired.

Eventually he reaches his house, he bumps into the door and giggles, yes giggles, at himself.

_Why am I laughing?_

For no explanation his muscles pulse and he falls into the grass.

Instead of getting back up, he just lays there. He feels  _sensational._ It’s odd. A warm sensation prickling his skin.

He stares at the sky. It’s too bright. The sun burns his face, so he squeezes his eyes closed tight. He can still feel the Arizona shine, but it isn’t stinging his eyes now.

Said eyes grow heavy with unknown exhaustion. It peaks slowly, moments flying by faster than he thought.

Sleep takes him away in what seems like a matter of moments.


	3. When I Slept Through Conversation

Adam feels shaking. He feels hands and fuzzy voices. It’s weird, he barely remembers the last time he was awake. He only remembers the feeling of intense joy.. And the fact he had to break the law to feel such a joy. A voice rings in his ears, it’s hard to understand. Slowly though, the fogginess in his ears clears. It’s like a curtain slowly revealing the play. The show. His ears catch a name first.

“Adam!” The voice is young and energized. It’s his little brother Parker.

_My skin feels itchy. Everything feels uncomfortable. What happened?_

“Adam! You have to get up, Dad is on his way home. Mom says his trip ended early.” Parker’s voice runs a mile a minute, probably running off redbull.

It’s the specific word that causes every muscle in his body to launch him to his feet.

_Shit shit. Dad’s visiting?? Shit shit._

He moves speedily up the stairs. Each step feels rushed, stress weaves and balls in his stomach. The slimy worms there don’t help. The faint sound of water rushing can be heard in the room at the end of the hall.

His parents room.

_Calm down, it’s just Mom getting ready._

Adrenaline pumps through his veins, the blue turning red and back again. A repeated cycle.

Tapping. He’s tapping. That’s him? Yeah right, it’s the sound of his finger hitting his hip bone. Of course, he can never keep still. What was the term again? ADHD, he thinks.

Every process and thought in his mind moves fast, almost too fast. It speeds by before making a sharp u-turn. He nearly feels dizzy.

_No time for that._

Adam grabs his backpack and shoves a spare change of clothes along with a few other things. Enough for one night.

His heart races. He rushes down the stairs.

A part of him wants to pause. Pause at the gaze he gets from his mother. The one of disappointment, but worry. A part of him wants to let her know that he loves her. To show some sign he’s still a good son.

But the other parts of him aren’t a god son.

So he ignores her in favor of grabbing a water bottle and some granola bars.

_These should work fine._

Silence echoes through the kitchen. The eyes of his mother penetrate his back to the point he almost wants to turn around and meet her gaze. Yet he doesn’t. Partially because he knows he won’t like what he sees, partially because he’s too scared to look.

It’s been like this for a while. The avoidance of much conversation with his mother.

Mainly to save her the pity.

Adam flees the kitchen, his feet sore and heavy. He glares holes into the front door, moving as fast as he can towards it.

When he reaches his destination, he quickly opens the door and walks outside.

The sun warms his skin. He realizes he forgot to take his contacts out.

_SHIT._

He drops his bag on the steps and dashes back inside. He moves upstairs and carefully takes out his contacts.

His hands rush looking for his contact container.

_Where did I put it?_

Glancing at the time, he feels his heart pump loudly. Adrenaline move his feet to his room grabbing the case that holds his glasses. He places them on and blinks once. Twice. His vision clears, blurry shapes becoming detailed.

_It’s been a while since I’ve worn these.._

He spares a look at his favorite hoodie.

_Why not._

His hands slip around the red fabric, pulling it on.

With a sigh, he takes no time to return to the front steps. Adam picks up his stuff and slings it around his shoulder.

_Time to head to my spot._

A tingling sensation of warmth and comfort teases his skin, a smile palpable on his face.

It feels nice in the soft fabric, the soreness in his feet numb to him now. He takes a sharp turn down the road towards the park. It makes his trip a tad longer, but he easily avoids his neighbors homes.

The ounce of joy he was feeling earlier disappears. It’s replaced by a dark worry. A small biting nerve beating in his chest.

_They’re going to make me do extra for them since I won’t be helping them today.._

A sigh sifts from his throat. He glances at the ground, his sore feet kicking a rock.

The dark-haired male moves up to gaze at the park. Adam walks left into the forest behind the park. He walks a little farther until he spots a tree with a small carving of an upside down heart. Kind of like the tip of a demon tail.

A smirk pulls at his lips. He follows his handmade trail of trees. Eventually he reaches the familiar clearing.

Light shines down through the leaves of the forest. An old oak stump is in sight. Fluffy shrubbery lines the area along with a thin man made stream running to the front of the clearing.

Adam breathes in a deep breath. The air feels warm and  _alive._ It tingles his throat, reminding him that he is here.

_I’m still alive and thriving._

He sits down, back to the tree stump. It’s peaceful. A break from the sad reality. From his autopilot life.

Time passes by. He doesn’t know how much goes by, but it doesn’t matter. Life flows through his veins in such a way he almost wants to stay in this moment forever.

The silence is still and calming, the only noise being the wind and the water. If he focuses enough he can even hear the tapping of his fingers.

_If only life could always be this simple._

Then the silence changes. A new noise begins to grow.

Voices.

They’re faint and unfamiliar. The growing sound of what he guesses to be two people. The sound makes his nerves crawl up his sleeves, prickling his skin.

_I need to hide._

He pulls up his bright red hood. His fingers carefully adjust his glasses before he moves behind a tree near the stump. He shrinks into a small ball.

The voices get loud enough to hear.

“It couldn’t be a leaf, it doesn’t have a stem.” A soft female voice pipes up.

A somewhat familiar male voice responds. “Well it couldn’t be a bird. Birds have legs and wings.” 

_What are they talking about? Wait.. are they arguing over what the symbol I carved is? Seriously?!_

The female sighs. “Well let’s just settle on the arrow tip. I liked that idea.”

_Arrow tip? Huh, that works I guess._

A small breathy chuckle comes from the male voice. “I win!” He hums. “The carvings stop here. Must be a path to this clearing.”

_Well duh.. why does that voice sound a little familiar??_

Adam chooses not to peak his head out in fear he may get caught. So he stays, unsure if the uncomfortable sensation on his skin is some insect or just his nerves.

A happy hum. “For being in Arizona, this  _is_ a pretty nice place.” The girl sits down at the stump. He can tell by the sound and the slight view of dark brown hair.

_Crap._

He moves a little more behind the tree. Unconsciously, he holds his breath.

“Yeah. This is a great place for your practice pictures.” The other sounds to be walking over to the girl. Never doubt the loudness of crunching sticks.

“Oh true!”

His breath catches up with him and he lets it go, inhaling sharply.

Also apparently a little too loudly.

“What was that?”

_Shit shit shit-_

Adam scrunches into a tighter ball, not wanting to be found.

_Just ignore it.. cmon._

“I don’t know, it sounds like it came from over there.” The male voice chips in.

_Frickfrickfrickfrick_

His mind rushes, imagination giving him the best idea ever. Or at least that he could think of. He stops tensing his muscles and lays his feet out. The dark-haired male carefully hugs his bag and steadies his breathing. With the final step of closing his eyes, he uses all his energy into pretending to be asleep.

He catches the sound of the pair getting closer to him. Each quiet thump, every small crunch. It nears until it’s right next to him.

“Woah, some people have terrible napping locations.” The male chuckles.

_Not like you two gave me much of an option._

He resists the urge to frown tightly.

“I wonder who he is?” A small ounce of concern plays in the girl’s voice.

_Please don’t recognize me from school, don’t recognize me fr-_

Hot breath tickles his cheek. He feels a presence in his personal bubble. One of the two voices speaks again, voice loud next to his ear.

“Huh, odd he kinda looks like someone I know from school.” The quirky rhythm of the boy’s voice echoes through his mind. He ignores how familiar it sounds.

_Crapcrap-_

Adam shifts slightly ‘in his sleep’ and moves his face to be more hidden. He mumbles incoherently, acting as if he’s still asleep.

“We should probably leave. I don’t want to disturb this guy.” The girl adds.

“Yeah, c’mon Jaiden.” The male signals.

He waits for the voices and footsteps to be far off before he opens his eyes. His heart thumps in his chest.

_That was intense._

His mind rushes around swiftly. Different outcomes of that moment play in his mind. They range from possible to a little more ‘magical.’

The sun stings his skin with warmth. It washes over his doubts and eases his mind to think about something else.

With a sigh, he sits back down on the stump and plugs in his earbuds. He carefully slides each one in the correct ear before hitting shuffle on his playlist.

An upbeat song plays, making his lips quirk up into a smile.

_Needless to say, I keep her in check,_ _  
_ _She was all bad-bad, nevertheless,_

He taps his foot along to the beat, lips mouthing each word. Adam lays back, letting his eyes shut as he feels low breezes shuffle past him.

_Thinkin' in a bad way, losin' your grip,_ _  
_ _Screamin' at my face, baby, don't trip,_

Time feels slow, life moving slowly for him. Each second holds on for as long as possible. Each minute letting him fully enjoy the feeling of bliss before it moves on.

Adam’s mind paints a scene. He’s in the clearing still, except it’s filled to the brim with water and is flipped upside down. He’d be more frightened, but there aren’t any sea pickles in sight and he’s too much at peace.

The leaves move slightly, being slowly pulled by the water down. His bag lays on the stump, before it begins to sink as well. He holds his breath and swims up to grab it. Small flakes of shrubbery float among him. He swerves his head to glance around.

The running sound of water turns into the echo of a whistle. Dolphin whistle to be exact. Adam swims towards the creature. He cautiously moves closer. The dolphin chips up and dances around him. The edges of his finger tips touch the dolphins muzzle. The texture is slimy and cold, but it makes him feel free.

The dolphin kicks her tail up and bumps Adam onto her back. He grins wildly as she speeds through the trees, looping around the clearing.

“YEAHHH!”

In the back of his mind he still hears the faint music.

_Everyone deal with they own insecurity,_

_Even the preacher was born with impurity,_

It plays like background music to his adventure. The world spins around as the dolphin syncs up to the beat and zigzags through the clearing.

It bubbles a laugh from him. He cries out in laughter. He screams happily, the dolphin swimming down speedily.

“THIS IS FRICKIN AWESOME!”

Every ounce of his body syncs to the music as well. His heart thumps in his chest, the only sound off. It adds a new tune. A tune of pitter patters. Lub dubs, beat beats, whatever you think of it.

_And trust me I'll give it a chance now, Take my hand, stop, put Van the Man on the jukebox,_

Water rushes past him as the dolphin moves faster, swimming towards the navy blue of the bottom. Life speeds by, moving much slower than he feels. It flies, dancing and rushing. His ears fill with music and bubbling chirps of the dolphin.

Then the dolphin dives quickly into the navy blue. All of a sudden his eyes flash open.

He squints at the sunlight.

_Oh.. it was just a dream.._

If only.

—

James sighs. “I don’t think there are any birds out here.”

Jaiden purses her lips. “You never know!” She sighs and glances at their surroundings.

He doesn’t know why he came. Probably because it’s the weekend and he needs a new comic idea. Plus how can he consider himself a fantastic best friend if he doesn’t help his best friend with finding wild birds to take pictures of. Apparently, Jaiden had an idea lately of taking pictures of some different things in nature and drawing them for animal and background practice.

So here they are.

For the fact that you can hear the slightest bird call, the trees are empty of creatures.

James hears Jaiden let out a confused hum.

“What’s that?” Her voice lowers to a whisper.

“What’s what?” His eyes follow hers until he sees what she’s looking at.

It’s a tree, but there is a small carving on it. It looks like the tip of an arrow.

The pair moves closer to the unknown carving. A tree a little ways ahead has the same symbol carved on it.

“Wanna follow it?” James quips.

The other shrugs. “I mean I guess? Why not.”

The pair moves through the trees, following the path of symbols.

“I wonder what the symbol is supposed to be?” Jaiden mentions. Her finger taps her chin. “It sort of looks like an arrow.”

Fallen branches crunch beneath their feet as they walk. “I thought it looks sort of like the tip of an arrow.”

“Oo. Maybe.. or possibly a beak?” Her eyes glow, mind probably thinking of birds.

He shrugs. “Who knows? It looks like a lot of things, even a leaf.”

_I can see something up ahead!_

She laughs lightly. “It couldn’t be a leaf, it doesn’t have a stem.” Her eyes move towards the sky.

“Well it couldn’t be a bird. Birds have legs and wings.” He chuckles.

Jaiden sighs. “Well let’s just settle on the arrow tip. I liked that idea.”

_Oh mY inTellEct is sO hiGh_

James gives a breathy chuckle. “I win!”

He hums lightly. They stop walking as they reach the entrance of a clearing. Sunlight shines brightly on the place, trees lacking.

_It is Arizona after all._

“The carvings stop here. Must be a path to this clearing.”

_I wonder who made the path in the first place?_

Jaiden nods and glances around. Her eyes light up at the opening with the sky shining down. “For being in Arizona, this  _is_ a pretty nice place.”

He moves his eyes to look through the gaps of nature between trees. A small sliver of odd color catches his eyes and for a moment he thinks he sees something red. However when he looks again he can’t see it.

_Odd._

The other sits down.

“Yeah. This is a great place for your practice pictures.” He chirps.

“Oh yeah!” She smiles lightly and takes out her phone.

Then a sharp release of a breath echoes through the heat.

The pair look at each other in confusion.

The brown-haired girl looks at him. “What was that?”

James glances at a tree to the side of the stump the other is sitting at.

“I don’t know, it sounds like it came from over there.”

_I wonder who.._

The pair moves slowly, edging closer to the tree. When the walk around they are faced with a boy.

His mind races. The teen looks to be their age, yet he also feels familiar. His face is slightly covered by a snapback with a rose on it. Glasses lay on his nose. He’s wearing a bright red hoodie with the words ‘Common Sense’ imprinted on it. He feels an ounce of mirth rise in him.

“Woah, some people have terrible napping locations.” He chuckles.

Jaiden frowns and glances at him with a worried face. “I wonder who he is?”

_Whoever he is obviously is an idiot for wearing_ _jeans and a sweatshirt_ _in Arizona.._

James moves closer to the boy, examining. The tanned-boy sleeping has a sense of familiarity with him. It sticks to James, giving him an uncertainty. He leans closer, his face a mere foot away from the boys cheek.

_He looks so familiar. But where have I seen him? School maybe?_

“Huh, odd he kinda looks like someone I know from school.”

Jaiden looks at him. He doesn’t look at her however, his eyes focused on the napping boy.

Said boy shifts slightly, his face smushing into the bag in his lap. A few incoherent mumbles come from him.

_Huh? I wonder what he’s dreaming about._

“We should probably leave. I don’t want to disturb this guy.” Jaiden chirps before standing up.

_We just got here..?_

_Oh why not._

James signals to the path they followed to get here. “Yeah, c’mon Jaiden.”

The pair move in silence, exiting the clearing. They travel slowly, rocks and sticks crunching under their feet.

His head thumps in thought. A slideshow of memories play, him filtering through the faces he knows. Each one flickers before he shoves it away.

_Why was he so familiar, yet I can’t remember who he is?_

When they reach the park again, Jaiden turns to him.

“You said he looked like someone from school?” A sliver of curiosity peeks from her voice.

“Not exactly.. he just seemed so  _familiar?_ ”


	4. When I First Talked To You

Adam stares out at the Denny’s. It stands in place.

_How is it that I always end up here? Have I ever even bought food here?_

He sighs and slowly walks towards the front doors. His stomach grumbles and bites, making him bite his lip. He endures the minimal pain since he doesn’t have any more food left. He’d eaten everything he’d grabbed. Most would expect him to use some money to get food at the diner in front of him, but he doesn’t go to this Denny’s to eat. Plus he doesn’t have any money on him anyways. He’s interviewed and applied at every place you can imagine near here, but no place has hired him yet. So he’s as broke as he is jobless.

His feet throb a little. He’s been walking all day, first to his clearing, then to a shopping center (for the restroom), and now to this place. All of such are on different parts of Payson.

The signature ring of a bell sounds as he pushes the door open. The rumbling sounds of ‘Stressed Out’ plays through the speakers. He hums along and glances around. The familiar booths and tables sleep in silence. No feeling of surprise overtakes him at the lack of many people. He’s never seen many people come here, though he’s always here at the time you wouldn’t expect large amounts of people… so he supposes that’s why.

Dave waves to him. “It’s been a while, nice to see ya Adam.”

Adam walks up to the counter and gives him a fist bump. “Yeah, good to see ya too. Any new songs?”

The other shrugs. “I mean I recently wrote one with my neighbor. It’s called Life is Fun.” He grins, mentioning how he is currently waiting for a reply from a company he applied to. According to him it’d be a major step towards his dream to be a musician.

Both Adam and Dave have been almost friends for a while. Ever since Adam began his Denny’s tradition, he’d always see Dave. They didn’t talk too much, but they had something similar to a small acquaintanceship.

He slides into a booth and sighs. His tired muscles rest. He grabs his phone and plays his music playlist on shuffle again, letting the sound of Lil Dicky’s new song ‘Earth’ play in his ears.

_Maybe I could write or draw?_

Moving his bag to his lap, he pulls out a pencil and slip of paper.

“Hey I brought you a water. Thought you could use it.”

Adam glances at Dave, “Thanks.” He moves his bag to his side and sips the water.

_Hmm.._

His mind wanders. He thinks of all the things he’s done and will do. He gave up his life for Satch, the wrestling team,  _friends._ A part of him, one he doesn’t usually listen to, knows the truth. It’s all pointless. Pleasing people who don’t care about him, but at the same time, he fits in. He isn’t alone as a weird loser like in middle school. Even if he feels like he’s just trying to get an A on being their goonie.

A small chuckle braces him.

_‘Taking a crash course on beating a dead horse.’_

He smiles and writes that down. His mind moves on to other things, his pencil already doodling.

—

Every single flicker of light begins to fade.

James walks along the sidewalk towards his house. He sees a Denny’s up ahead.

_Wonder if it’s better than Subway? Probably._

He chuckles to himself, looking at the sky. The sun is beginning to set.

The road is busy with the beginning of rush hour.

_More like rush hours._

As his feet carry him past the Denny’s he stops. A bright red catches his eye.

_Wait-_

Is that the kid from the clearing? He recognizes the hoodie and bag. The boy’s back is to him, but he recognizes him still.

_How is it that I’ve ran into this guy once today and now a second time? Yet I can’t even place who he is._

James decides to back step and walks up to the front door.

_Am I really doing this?_

His mind rushes. Thump, thump. In and out. His breaths slow and the pitter patter of his heart makes music in his ears. Every ounce of him isn’t sure if he should move forward or just go home. His legs feel heavy with each second standing there. The awkward cold of Arizona at night bites his forearms.

_Screw it._

Even if curiosity did kill the cat, Aesop and all the other weirdos who made those ideas weren’t gods. They might’ve been wrong. It could’ve been aliens that killed the cat.

He walks inside, hearing the ring of a bell and the faint sound of Brenden Urie on the speakers.

“James?” A familiar voice asks. Said boy looks to see Dave.

“Woah, hey!” The pair grin.

“Ah! Such a beautiful day, the sun’s shining in a beautiful way- gonna take a shower, brush my teeth and-“

Dave cuts him like the song calls for, “Life is ultimately meaningless.”

The two share a laugh.

“I didn’t expect to see you here.” Dave comments.

“Yeah same, to be honest coming in here was a last minute choice anyways.” James chuckles, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

The other nods before heading back to the counter.

_Show time._

James walks over to the only filled booth, every other table and seat empty. Besides one on the other side of the diner that has a random couple chatting. The girl has short blue hair while the guy has brown hair styled in such a way it reminds him of an anime character.

Once he reaches his destination, he slides into the seat opposite of the stranger.

Said boy looks up from a paper covered in messy doodles. He takes out an earbud and looks at James in a mix of awkwardness, confusion, and shocked surprise.

The blonde smiles, ignoring how awkward  _he_ feels. “Heyy! I saw you at a clearing earlier today? You uh, are you in one of my classes? You look awfully familiar.” His mouth runs on it’s own and he abruptly stops.

The other blinks. Once, twice, tres.

“You don’t- You don’t remember me?” His lips quirk up a bit.

_That voice.._

A memory from a few days ago plays in his head. He feels his jaw drop as he begins to notice similarities. As he realizes the same voice, same eyes. As he notices the same bag.

_The Ortiz guy._

“And now you do, huh?” The stranger before him smirks lightly. He takes out his other earbud and crumples the paper on the table.

The other looks at the ball in his hand. His eyes grow glassy, a deep look of thought overtaking him. No sounds come from him other then the steady release of his breathing.

_What’s.. happening?_

Ortiz guy nods slightly to himself, before standing up and throwing away the ball of paper in the garbage near the door. He walks back sullenly, and sits back down with a sigh.

His eyes peek up at James, partially hidden by the shadow of his hat. “You can leave, I know you don’t like me.”

Silence. Bone chilling silence. Ortiz guy starts tapping his fingers to an invisible beat.

James clears his throat and shakes his head. “Maybe yeah, but I also was taught to give people fair chances.”

This catches the other’s attention, as he glances up and stares.

“...So? Going to sit here and converse, or say goodbye and leave?” He shifts a bit, tapping his pencil instead of his fingers.

_Give him a chance. I need to be the bigger person here._

“Let’s go with option one. Tell me something random about yourself?” James feels odd in the scenario he’s basically brought himself into. Even so, he stays. He’s curious, what can he say?

With a bit of curiosity as well, the other shrugs. “I like bananas.” He says it with a lighthearted chuckle.

_Bananas? Out of all random facts-_

“Bananas?” He laughs.

Ortiz guy grins. “You can’t do better than those potassium filled boomerangs of deliciousness.”

“Uhuh.” He hums. “What’s your name? I can’t keep thinking of you as ‘Ortiz guy.’”

Said guy groans before smiling small. “I’m Adam. Adam Ortiz. Your name is James right?”

“Yeah, James Rallison.”

The pair look at each other before looking away. Silence etches at the two.

Tap. Tap.

“So, you wear glasses?” James chirps. He remembers the other not having them in previous interactions.

Said boy jumps a little at the sudden break of silence before nodding. “Yeah, I usually wear contacts during school though.”

_He looks- I like how he looks with the glasses.._

His thoughts gloss over the fact that there’s probably a reason he doesn’t wear glasses at school. Instead, he focusing on trying to unfold and evaporate the awkwardness of this situation and experience.

“Nice, nice. You have any hobbies?” He nearly chokes on his own words.

_Why is this so hard?!_

Adam swallows slowly, eyes not meeting his and instead staring at his tapping pencil on the table.

“Hobbies?”

An eyebrow raise. “Yeah..?”

The brown-haired boy takes a deep breath and grins lightly. Something about the twist of his lips looks a bit too tight. A bit too forced. Maybe even a bit too fake.

“I do wrestling. Besides that though, I don’t really have many hobbies.” He chuckles.

_Uhuh. Definitely not lying-_

“How about you?”

_Oh boy-_

Hobbies. Future careers. Both terms that made his skin crawl. Dreams versus realistic possibilities. Both his parents have always shot down his longing to be an artist. A comic artist, it’s his dream. However, it’s ‘not a realistic job option and far too unstable.’ So he has to go with plan B, a math teacher. So now his dream has turned into a hobby.

How dark of a joke is that: Everything he’s ever dreamt of has been crushed into a mere  _hobby._

With a sigh, he shrugs, “I like art and math. Make a lot of random comics for my friends to laugh at.” His voice drips with unsure joy. He’s passionate about his happiness, but he barely knows this guy.

In fact that’s an over statement, he knows absolute zulch about this guy.

_Look at me thinking of big words- And Mom says I’m dyslexic, Yeah right._

“That’s uh, cool. Yeah, it’s-That’s cool.” He coughs, clearing his throat.

_This is so awkward_

More silence. The only sounds yet again is Adam’s tapping, the faint music playing, and the faded conversation of the couple on the other side of the Denny’s.

James sneakily takes his phone out and taps across his keyboard, hands under the table.

**Me - > Jaiden**

**Me:** _HELP!_

**Jaiden:** _What’s going on?_

**Me:** _Give me conversashon topics_

**Jaiden:** _Why? Usually you’re good on your own in conversations._

**Me:** _Yes, but for some reason I’m strugling with this guy- just give me some please!_

**Jaiden:** _Okay give me a second_

A moment later a couple ideas are sent his way. He picks his favorite. With a simple clearing of his throat to catch Adam’s attention, he lets it run off his mouth.

“What is your highlight from today?”

The other shrugs and looks at him sullenly. “A dream I had today I guess?”

_Oh? Probably the dream he was having when Jaiden and I saw him._

“What was it about?” He quips.

As the last word leaves his mouth, he swears he hears the sound of cracking. He almost sees the non visible shell around the other cracking in half.

A grin paints over the dark-haired male’s face. “So, the clearing I was in was flipped upside down, which is already pretty fucking weird, but then it was like I was underwater, and there was a dolphin-“

_This is definitely different from the times at school I saw him._

James smiles as the other rants about his dream.

“I rode on the dolphin obviously and it was fucking awesome and-“ He freezes when he sees the blonde-haired male’s expression.

“What?” He swallows slowly, looking as if he’s falling back towards his shell.

“Oh! Nothing,” James gives him a shake of the head in such a way that hopefully screams ‘Please don’t go back to being awkward and tense.’

“I was just happy you finally broke out of your shell, you know?”

Adam chuckles, giving a lopsided grin. “I guess I didn’t even notice, heh.”

“Yep.”

The pair fall back into a silence, however this time it’s much more comfortable.

Time passes slowly, both boys lost in thought.

Endless thoughts beam in his mind. From questions about Adam to ideas for dinner.

Then a small question pops up and he decides to get an answer to it.

“Are you not going to eat anything while you’re here?”

Adam glances away from the window and takes out an earbud. “Nah.”

James raises an eyebrow. “Do you just come here to chill?”

A shrug. “Ye.” He chuckles.

“Alright then.” The blonde-haired male hums.

The possibility of more silence is ended by James's phone ringing loudly in his pocket. It sings with the basic iphone sound, making his ears buzz in annoyance.

Once the cold surface of his phone is pressed against his ear, he groans. “Hello?”

His mom’s voice barks through the phone. “Dinner’s almost ready! Wherever you are, leave and head home. You have school tomorrow.”

With a sigh, he nods to himself. “Okay mom, on my way now.”

A beep occurs and the call ends. He glances up at the expectant look seeping from the other.

Said boy meets his eyes and looks away, fake coughing. “So that was your mom huh?”

“Yeah, she wants me to head home.”

Adam nods. “Makes sense. Goodbye then?” He purses his lips in unsure awkwardness.

James nods. “I’ll see you later at school maybe?” He smiles slightly in awkward hopefulness.

_I enjoyed this in a odd way._

The dark-haired male sighs. “Who knows? I can’t have Will or Tony finding out about,” He gestures to his attire, “ _this._ ” He frowns tightly. “God knows what Zack would say if he realized I’m as much of a nerd as he thinks.”

_What..?_

“What do you mean? Shouldn’t your friends not care?” He feels a knowing thought clog his mouth.

_I have a tugging hope it’s not what I think it is.._

The other shakes his head. “It’s not that- It’s just that… well.. it’s harder when you don’t know them like I do. Just trust me, it’s better for you to stay away from me at school.” His voice shakes with false cheeriness.

“Uhuh.”

And with that they part ways. A simple wave of silence.

_He’s nothing like I expected.._

The walk home has much more thinking included than he expected.


	5. When I Hid At Lunch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO SORRY THIS IS A WEEK LATE!! I've been pretty busy and this chapter was hard to word properly, so it took me longer ono I've already started on the next chapter so I should be able to get it out on time next week ;3

“Look at this trash!” Will’s voice forms an arrow, stabbing through him.

He swallows slowly, throat dry. His eyes are locked onto a familiar poster. In English, each student had to create a poster explaining the character of Ophelia from Hamlet. It was required to add some color and imagery. So he drew his best impression of Ophelia.

Now it’s hanging on the wall outside of Mrs Emily’s classroom.

The poster he was _actually_ proud of and that gave him a perfect A. And now his wrestling buddies are looking at it.

“This looks like my fucking dick.” Derick exclaims.

_…autopilot.._

Tony smirks, laughing snidely. “I can’t believe this got put up on the wall. Poor teacher probably just didn’t want to have to see it.”

The others cackle at that comment.

_Ignore it._

Adam laughs lightly alongside them.

_Fit in._

Zack snickers and the world slows. In wide-eyed shock, he watches as his poster is ripped from the wall. A staple clinks on the cold floor and time speeds up.

“Hey let’s go put this where it belongs!” Zack smirks and they begin to move towards a garbage can.

_They know more than you. Fit in._

A wave of laughter travels around. It prickles Adam’s skin. It seeps in and worms through his blood into his stomach. Each movement sends a shiver down his spine as it reaches his stomach. Then it swirls around making him feel sick.

“Hey Adam, don’t you agree?”

This causes him to tune back in and he nods to whatever agreement is being stated. His lips twist into a fake smirk.

Tony raises an eyebrow, snake like grin apparent. “Hey Zack, I think Adam wants to be the one to do the honors.”

Yet another unseen arrow stabs his side. What’s that now? A million probably.

Zack nods along, face cruelly pleased. “I agree, Adam c’mon. Don’t you want to do the ‘honors?’”

Swallowing slowly, he nods. “Of course.”

The other holds out the poster. “Then prove it.”

His breath reeks of nicotine and smoke as Adam nears. He grabs the poster. His fingers slip around it and for some reason it feels heavy as a brick. With each step, the garbage gets horrifically closer. Every sound pounds together to create an orchestra of pain in his ears.

_In and out._

_Do whatever it takes._

**_Whatever it takes to survive._ **

His feet stop abruptly at the garbage can. It stands there, feeling ten feet taller than it is.

“So? What are you waiting for, through that piece of shit away.” Will’s voice narrows.

The others chant a few times the words, “To be us, you gotta kill duss.”

Duss is a word they used quite often. One of the slang words various meanings is useless and undesirable. The chant is a common one among the wrestling team. Whenever they feel like being an asshole to some random kid, or talking trash about someone or something, it isn’t surprising for them to call it duss.

Time passes slowly, each breath heavy.

His heart thumps. Pitter patter. It almost sounds like that of footsteps down the hall. It floods his vision, it becoming foggy with thoughts. He almost thinks it’s a windshield needing to be wiped during a rainy drive.

With a feigned amusement, he lets his fingers unwrap. The paper falls slowly, before gently landing on an empty apple juice.

“Utter trash like that fits best here.”

Zack nods approvingly and moves down the hall.

“Good job, ya scrub.”

Time begins passing quickly, if it was a rollercoaster it’d be making Adam puke. Instead he just feels a bit numb.

Seconds turn into minutes. Minutes turn into hours. He’s home, but then he’s hidden away. He’s in bed until he’s awake getting ready for the morning.

The constant feeling of being on autopilot. It’s something that occurs within his life much more frequently than he likes to admit.

Eventually the day reaches lunch. His time comes to a choice.

Two options. Either sit with the wrestling team and endure the ridicule. Or find somewhere else to sit and be alone with his less than awesome thoughts.

He chooses the ladder.

Adam walks stiffly through the hall, face neutral and posture slack. The gym pops up in his sight. 

_I guess I can spend lunch under the bleachers or something.._

His steps feel heavy and automatic as he opens the doors and moves under the bleachers. The air is dry, dark shadows covering eighty percent of the area. Even so, he sat on his knees, pulled up his hood and leaned against the bleachers.

A small intake of air and a sigh later, his mind unpauses.

_Wow loser, Tony and Zack wouldn’t be caught dead with you if they knew where you are right now._

“Um, hi?”

A soft, shaky voice makes him nearly choke on air. His head whips to spot a shorter girl.

She has medium length apricot hair. Round glasses sit on a freckled face alongside a dark blue sweater.

The other frowns. “You have no friends either?”

Adam takes a moment to process everything and shrugs. “I guess, I didn’t expect anyone else to be here.”

The girl nods, looking to the side. “Same.. I’ve been coming here for a while so I thought no one else would come here.”

Before any other words could be shared, her phone starts buzzing crazily.

She gasps and picks up her phone, giving a look of apology. “Sorry, my um..  _boyfriend_  is messaging me.”

He nods, turning to look at the wall.

_Does she know who I am? If she did she would’ve said something by now.. right?_

Adam frowns tightly. He the hears typing beside him until it stops. His eyes peek over and sees that the girl is storing her phone in her pocket.

He decides to try for conversation. “So why did you start coming here?”

She shrugs. “It’s the only place I could go that no one else went. My boyfriend only likes to talk to me alone..”

“That doesn’t sound like a very great boyfriend then.”

That comment causes her to pause.

It’s odd. Adam thinks back to three days ago. He still doesn’t understand why James talked to him. He was being himself, and there’s nothing interesting or cool about him. And yet now he’s being himself again and this girl seems pleasant with his company.

_Am I missing something?_

“I don’t really know what he is anymore..”

_Huh?_

He looks over to see the girl looking at the ground. Her eyes are glossy in thought.

“Well hey, don’t think about him right now! What’s something you like to do?”

She smiles slightly and hums. “I like to draw.”

_Should I…_

His heart leaps faster than his mind.

_Fuck it._

“Me too. Though I’m not good at the ‘drawing’ part..” He chuckles lightly, covering his smile with his hand.

Her eyes light up with a newfound warmth. “Really? Do you do any animating?”

He grins behind his hand. “Ye!”

She looks as if she’s about to say something again, but the bell interrupts her.

Once the quick ringing stops, she gives him a thumbs up. “I’m Illy by the way.”

Adam nods and moves to his feet, standing up. He nods, a small smile in place.

_I need to make sure she doesn’t realize who I really am._

“You can call me Bagel man.”

“Pff, okay. Thanks for keeping company Bagel man.” She starts towards the exit.

“Anytime.”

—

James slides into his seat at the lunch table.

Dan grins. “Hey!”

Stephen simply flips him off. The usual sign of welcome.

“Hey, Jaiden not here yet?” He inquires.

“I’m here now!” The familiar voice hums.

He glances to the side, watching as Jaiden sits beside him. She chuckles awkwardly and gives a wave to Dan and Stephen.

Said boy just gives a nod of his head before returning to scrolling through his phone.

Jaiden’s eyes light up and she pulls out her phone quickly tapping a few times before handing it to him.

Her phone shines brightly a photo of a Swampert plushie.

He smiles. “You found your first rare poke-plushie collection?”

A nod. “All I need now is a Blaziken and a Sceptile, then my best trio is complete. Though Ari is a bit annoyed at the new company since I don’t have a place for Squirtle yet.”

Dan chirps a light. “I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a Blaziken plushie online somewhere.”

She perks up at that comment. “Really? Could you try to find it again and send me a link?”

He nods.

“Hey guys, guess what’s this weekend?” Stephen pitches in.

James raises an eyebrow. “What?”

A grin. “Alex Clark is hosting a party. I’m definitely going for the sole purpose of watching people do stupid shit, any of you idiots wanna join?”

_Parties. A hard no._

“Nope.”

“Count me out.”

Dan shrugs. “I would, but I promised to help Maaz with his project.”

Stephen frowns. “Party killers.” He groans and goes back to his phone. “Fine, I’ll go judge people by myself this weekend.”

The sudden end of conversation taps at James.

_Should I ask them? I don’t know if they’ll only give me rumors like Faith… Though, Jaiden and Dan aren’t ones for rumors.. I shouldn’t bring up last weekend though. Definitely not._

“Hey, could I ask for some.. Advice kinda?”

Jaiden’s expression melts into the comforting look she gives in certain situations. Her dark brown eyes dig into his skin. He takes a deep breath and spills his thoughts, making careful notice to not mention the time at Denny’s.

“So.. I met someone. At first he seemed like an asshole, but moments keep popping up where he acts completely different and is a genuinely nice.. Uh person. I’m not sure what to think of it.” He stumbles on words, having the common trouble of putting things into words.

The brown-haired girl furrows her eyebrows in thought. “Well is there something different about the times he’s been nice versus when he hasn’t?”

_A difference??_

He thinks back to each of the few moments. His mind makes a messy table, details being connected by lines and numbers.

_He was always around other people then.. specifically.. his friends._

“Yeah, actually there is.”

The other gives a small smile. “Then those differences probably have a reason to do with it. Just keep thinking it through, things make more sense once you’ve gotten more information.” She pats his shoulder sympathetically.

Dan chips in a confident, “Remember to continue getting to know him! If he really is a nice guy, then maybe you can be friends.”

James nods. “Yeah. Thanks.”

—

Adam stares at the floor. The curled carpet stays unmoving.

Bruce and Tyler told him to get more clothes like theirs, and Peter said he needed to look more like he had a sense of style.

So here he is. Shopping for clothes he doesn’t even like. For one, the biker gang style is too.. edgy? He feels weird wearing those type of clothes, but that doesn’t matter in the end run.

He decides to now get some articles of clothing considered ‘Gangster’ or some sort of thing like that. They feel as weird as the others, but he gets them anyways. His final stop is to get some sporty items. These actually feel less weird, so he is actually a bit happy to purchase them.

Sighing, he begins his walk home. He had saved some of his money to use on an uber, but he decided to walk first to think about it.

_I don’t want more guys talking about how many girls want his weenie.._

His eyes glance over and lock on a homeless person sitting at the back of a grocery store.

_Poor dude. Must be hard._

Adam starts walking closer and as the person grew more detailed in his view, he noticed a cut-out paper bag over their head.

_Huh._

His feet stop, standing in place in front of the stranger.

Said stranger moves their head up, the angle of it showing they are aware of him there.

“Uh, hey.”

The other chuckles lightly. “Hello.”

He holds the money out. “You look like you need this more than I do.”

They take the money and sigh. “Thank you. I uh.. well I really appreciate this.”

“Of course.”

Adam smiles and walks home. Each step is full and hopeful.

_Maybe I can still do good._

The thought teases in his head. He feels happy by being able to help someone even a little bit.

Helping people does that to you. It’s an exhilarating thrill of joy between the pair. And you can go home knowing that those people are at least a little bit better.

He decides he’ll stop by that side of the city more often.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone know Baggiboi? They need more appreciation uwu


	6. When I Talked To You Properly

Adam takes a deep breath. His heart pounds as loud as football stadium and it beats so fast it could run a marathon. He hates parties. Supposedly, actual  _fun_  parties exist somewhere out there awaiting no one. Especially not him. He’s always had a bit of a desire to experience the thrilling new of something like that, but he’s come to terms with it never happening. Those parties aren’t considered cool. The last thing he needs is Satch finding out he went to some loser party.

The air smells putrid however, and he wishes to be anywhere but here right now. The amount of times he’s said “Ummmm.” tonight is ironic and each movement or question thrown his way is uncomfortably disastrous. So here he sits in the corner of the crowded living room, hoping that Satch and the others haven’t seen him sitting there.

His mouth tastes like beer, thanks to an earlier interaction. He had flirted with some random chick, who looked like she slept around and was addicted to her phone. She didn’t actually pique his interest even if he is as single as he is stupid. Withal, Mark was there and Adam would be darned if he let himself look like an idiot in front of the bastard. Sadly, his flirting turned into the girl throwing her beer at him.

And he had kinda started to like this t-shirt.

Suddenly, an interaction catches his eye. He watches silently.

Some guy with a purple mohawk speaks with a smirk. “Wow, what a halfwit threat. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

The other guy, some typical jackass football player stereotype, growls with a notable thick accent. “Don’t say that shit ya dirty cuck. I won’t hesitate to shank the livins’ out of ye.”

The mohawk guy shrugs, smirking more. Amusement plays on his face, he’s obviously amused. “Shank me? Oh woe is me, I’m being threatened by some fool with a stick up his ass!”

“I warn’d ya.” The other guy pulls out a knife. It’s a kitchen knife, something one would use to cut their meat alongside a fork. Even if it’s small though, it has a jagged end with no doubt the possibility to hurt someone. “Get ye’ cocksucking behind out of my way.”

Mohawk guy’s eyes widen, and he frowns, feet already turning. “God damn, I was fucking around you moron. Don’t gotta go pulling out a knife when I don’t have one on me myself.” He grabs a half empty beer can off a table and throws it at the other guy before booking it down the hall towards the bedrooms.

“Yeah ye’ better run for it pussy shit!”

Adam watches the guy laugh to himself cockily.

_Should I go tell that guy off? It probably isn’t a wise decision, but at the same time.._

“Whatever you’re thinking, I’d recommend against it.” A voice tells him.

He turns around and sees a guy standing in the corner, a wine glass full of Gatorade in his hand. He blows his bangs from his face and crosses his arms.

A blank stare is all he manages for a few silent seconds. Though he supposes more so silence of that corner, since the bumping beats of music and chatter still fill the air. Or would it be the silence of his mind? It probably depends on your view on silence.

“What? I have a thing for knowing when someone is about to do something stupid.”

Clearing his throat, he shakes his head. “Nah, I just.. Don’t know why you’re talking to me?”

The other shrugs, sipping his gatorade. “My job might as well be keeping people from doing shit they shouldn’t with how much I have to do that for my roommates.” His eyes are a silvery caramel that are layered in eyebags and exhaustion.

“Why are you even here? I’ve noticed you haven’t been doing anything for the past half an hour.” His dark bronze eyebrows raise, giving off a gaze that screams ‘What the fuck is up?’

“Oh, I was invited by friends and came with them.. But they ditched me.” He clears his throat awkwardly.

The stranger gives a knowing nod. “Mm, yeah. I’m only here because my brother decided to go to hang out with his boyfriend, and he dragged me along with him. They have free Gatorade at least.”

_His brother has a… boyfriend? No.. I probably just heard him wrong._

A chuckle. “That sucks.”

The pair sit in silence.

“What’s your name?”

He scratches the back of his neck, looking down at the ground intensely. “Adam.”

Said boy runs a hand through his gelled hair and looks at his hand.

_Ew._

He wipes his hands on his jeans before looking back at the other.

“You?”

The stranger is silent for a moment, gazing unsure at his glass. A deep breath and swipe of his bangs later, he mumbles. “Virgil.”

_Huh._

“Nice to, uh, meet you then.”

A nod. “Yeah you too.”

The music thumps in his ears. It plays like a drumset, hitting against his nerves. He’s never liked parties.. but that doesn’t matter, does it? As long as he has friends and is cool. That’s what’s important. Thump thump. Even if he hates this music. Who even chose this? It’s so loud, and.. why?! Thump thump thump. Is it just him or is it getting really warm? Why is it so warm, why can’t breathe properly anymore? How uncool is he? Cool people don’t act like this at parties. Thump thump. Cool people-

_“Don’t think. Breathe.”_

Breathe. Breathe. Right breathing. What is breathing? Why can’t he breathe right.

He only gasps for air, trying to grasp onto reality.

 _“In for 4, hold for 7, out for 8.”_ A voice drills, repeating.

Adam takes deep breathes, slowly opening his eyes.

_When did I close them?_

He isn’t in the party anymore. He’s out on the street sidewalk. Virgil stands beside him, a hand on his shoulder.

“What happened?”

“You started having a panic attack.”

_Panic attack…? Over a party? I swear, no matter how hard I try, I’m still a lame loser._

Even as his breathing slows, he curses himself mentally. He slumps, sitting on the sidewalk somberly.   
  


He hears the slight pumph of Virgil sitting beside him.   
  


“Y’know, I’ve had loads of panic attacks before. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it just means your brain is a bit dramatic and emotional. Nothing wrong with that.” He says it as if it is comical that he’s had his own attacks before.

“Mhm.” His voice lacks the effort.

A light grip appears around his arm as he is hoisted up and dragged down the sidewalk. The cool breeze of night passes them, chilling his swirling stomach.

“Where-”

“My friend is working a shift at a place near here. Plus turkey, tea, and chocolate will help your nerves.” He drops his hand, releasing the slight grip.

_Huh. The more you know._

The walk is silent, Adam still not sure where they’re exactly going.

Time pummels by slowly as if every step is adrift. His head still mixes and bleeds with unknown fear and panic he hates to think is there.

The walk grows boring quickly. Adam taps his fingers on his jeans before that loses interest and he ends up in a mess of fidgeting.

“Here.”

He catches a rubix cube thrown his way.

_I’ve seen these before._

Adam begins to attempt to solve the rubix cube, his brain growing satisfied with its own entertainment.

Time grows faster and before he knows it the cool air is also accompanied by a, “We’re here.”

He stares up at a Subway. The ‘Open’ sign flickers and the windows are empty of people. Virgil pushes open the door and a loud voice booms, “Hey Sunshine.”

Virgil gives a glare, voice snarky. “Hey Princey.”

Adam glances around warily. The guy that had spoken when they entered stands next to the counter. His arm is leaning on the surface, while he looks at Virgil. The guy’s hair is a warm brown with chocolate eyes. A model tan is accompanied with a white and red bomber jacket.

“Who’s this? I thought you were with Damien and Remy?” The guy gives a curious stare.

The purple-tinted male shrugs. “Ran into him at the party, now we’re here. Where’s the other worker?”

“Right here.” A familiar voice rings.

He glances to where the voice came from and freezes.

_JAMES!?_

Thump. Adam almost feels his jaw drop. Out of everyone he expected to see tonight, James was not one of them. To be honest, he had almost begun to think he wouldn’t see the other male ever again.

“Adam?!” The other nearly squeaks before zipping to his side to face the stranger. “Hey, uh, Roman do you mind taking over at the counter?”

_Wait.. Take over- He's going to talk to me or something? Oh god nononono nope- Not today, leave, hide, you are not worthy of conversation- You gave away too much last time-_

With one thought in mind, he bolts towards the restroom and locks the door. He hears footsteps near him and stop in front of the door.

“Hey?” James's voice implores.

With a heap of hysterical uncertain, he speaks through the door. “Hey.”

“Listen, I know last time we talked, well that was pretty awkward, but this time won’t be... Probably.” He chuckles at the end, even if each breath is lacking assurance.

With a deep breath, Adam leans against the door. “Alright, but for now we speak through El’ Fonzo.”

Another laugh, this one is more real. “El’ Fonzo?”

“The door. Y’know in the last minute, this door and me have really bonded. I even gave him dating advice. Don’t tell him I said this, but he has a bit of a crush on El’ Juana.” He lets out a chuckle on accident, amused by his own stupid humor.

The voice on the other side is enlivened. “Is El’ Juana the restroom girls-” He stops with a small chortle. “Is El’ Juana the girls restroom’s door?”

He nods even though the other can’t see it.

“Of course, who else would she be?”

“True..” There’s a pause. It’s long and dragged, withering and dead.

“Y’know this one time in sixth grade, me and my friend TJ participated in this event called the Battle of the Books.” He chirps.

_A.. story?_

“Oh? Sounds cool.”

A chuckle. “Yeah, at the last battle I was keeping track of points, right? Well it added up to us winning and the winners got a pizza party. Except that there weren’t any pizzas popping up. So I asked our librarian and she said that a fifth grader won. You should’ve seen me, I got so frustrated. I asked my parents for pizza that same night.”

The sheer stupidity and accuracy of that situation makes Adam crack a smile. He howls in elation. “Pf-”

_This is so.. Odd? In a good way? Huh.. is this a normal feeling?_

Head stilled with a blissful confusion, he sighs. He turns around and shuffles to his knees. His hand lingers above the doorknob, mind clouded.

_Am I really doing this?_

After all, if there’s one thing he’s learned it’s that unless he acts differently, him by himself is something every gets bored of soon enough. Who would bother with someone like him, when they could spend their time with someone better?

Exhaling slowly and steadily, Adam opens the door to see James sitting with his back to the door. The blonde-haired boy gazes up and grins upon seeing the cracked open door.

“Finally decided to say your goodbyes to El’ Fonzo?” He raises an eyebrow.

Shrug. “Ye..”

Silence.

“Want to sit down?” The other comments.

He nods as the pair moves towards a booth. When they walk in they see Roman and Virgil talking. Very closely.. He notices.

_Guess they’re pretty ‘close.’_

Bad. Bad joke. He shakes his head slightly to himself. Time seems distant, useless knowledge.

However as the other pair notice James and him approach, Roman perks up.

“Hey James, we need to start closing up.”

—

_Ah shoot._

“Alright.” He nods. He turns to Adam and motions to the counter. “Mind keeping me company while I close up?”

The other shrugs loosely, already moving to lean on the counter.

Roman and Virgil walk towards the back to cleanup there.

James starts to clean the dishes and put away smaller equipment.

“Have you played the game Never Have I Ever before?”

The dark-haired boy raises an eyebrow. “Isn’t that originally a drinking game?”

_Wait it is? That’s news to me._

“Um I guess? We’d be playing without alcohol though.” He chuckles awkwardly.

The other nods, before rubbing his eyes.

That catches James’s attention. Now that he notices it, Adam is wearing contacts again. The same question rumbles through his head,  _why is he wearing contacts?_

“Hey could I ask you a question?”

Adam perks up and stares in confusion. “Uh sure.”

“Why do you wear contacts instead of glasses?” He starts scrubbing counters, listening to the silence.

Said silence doesn’t end for a good minute. He glances up and sees the other staring holes into the ground. He clears his throat, catching the boy’s attention.

“You going to answer or..?”

“Oh yeah, um contacts are just easier.. I don’t know.”

He nods and thinks of something.

“Never have I ever, had a pet moth.”

That causes Adam to chuckle, laughing loudly. It’s breathy and amused.

“A pet moth?!”

Laughing himself, “I was a kid, and my sister likes all sorts of creatures. It died the next day though.”

Adam raises an eyebrow. “Uhuh. Anyways uhh, Never have I ever climbed a fridge for bananas.”

“The heck?” James chuckles, picturing the scenario.

“I was a weird kid.” He shrugs.

Taking a moment, he contemplates actually saying this one aloud.

_I mean.._

_Sacrificing my dignity is probably a fast way to get him to open up more right?_

“Never have I ever.. wet the bed till I was eight.”

A laugh. “You think that’s bad?! I wet the bed till I was twelve.” He chokes indignantly at his own words.

_Wait what-_

James whips his head around and stares blankly at him. “Seriously?! J thought I was the only one who went really long- but-“ He wheezes. “Twelve? Did you go to the doctor?”

“Ye, they didn’t give me anything. I just woke up one morning and was like, ‘Woah, I didn’t pee!’ and then the next day, ‘I didn’t pee again!’”

The pair share a laugh.

Thinking for a moment, Adam back-flops into a chair. “Never have I ever, been able to make a ton of different voices.”

The other raises an eyebrow. “I can kinda do that, though I can’t do a spot on Markiplier impression like you.”

A snort and an eye roll. “I haven’t heard that one yet. I guess I do sound a bit like the Red Korean Mustache Man.”

Coming around the outside of the counter, James starts washing off the two singular tables.

“Never have I ever, had a dog eat try to eat my hamster.” He exhales, amused.

“I’ve never had a pet hamster, but wow ok.” He raises an eyebrow, lopsided grin in place.

Beep. He sees Adam’s face lighten and he checks his phone. He stares with pursed lips at the screen for a minute.

“Sorry, I have to get home.” He smiles slighty, apologetically.

“Alright. See you Monday?”

The other hums for a moment in question. “Maybe? What lunch do you have?”

“Second lunch. I sit with some people near the back, since my closer bros have third lunch.” He explains.

Adam nods. “I’ll see you at lunch then.”

_Wait what-_

“Okay.”

And he leaves with a small salute.


End file.
